G'day! Watch Out There's Sharks In The Water! And other generic aussie catch phrases..

A few months ago, if you had asked me, I would have said I was fairly mature. Not all the time, obviously, but I had my moments and was fairly good at keeping myself out of trouble..

Now, i'm not so sure. At the age of 22... I feel like that is a label that is prematurely given to me. I look in the mirror and see the same 12 year old girl who hated the feel of lipstick on her lips, didn't care if her hair stayed in a pony tale, and thought boys were awesome, but for different reasons. The girl who would have rathered live her life in jeans and a shirt, than skirts and heels. She didn't care what her peers thought, because if they didn't like her then it was their problem and their loss, not because she was stuck up, but because she held her worth in something greater than this world.

I look around at my life, living in another country, working full time in a bar serving alcohol that I feel any moment someone should come and tell me off for being underage in a bar. I have an amazingly devoted boyfriend who wants to marry me, but I feel like a school girl kissing a boy behind the toilet blocks. A mobile phone contract, when all I want to do is cover my phone in stickers. Constantly second guessing every move I make and word I say. I relish the time when I can close and lock the door to my room, and strip off the layers of expectations and responsibilities bestowed upon my shoulders and crawl into my bed beneath the covers. But even then it is painfully brought to my attention I am not home, I am not surrounded by Kookaburras, who, contrary to popular belief, do not only sing at dawn.

Other girls I look at, who are the age I have been labelled, seem to have it all together, with their jobs and studies and boyfriends. They look at me like I fit in their group... I'm just an orange masquerading as an apple.

But what can I do about this do you ask? How do I make my muddy off white canvas shoes fit and fill the stiletto heeled age I am meant to be? I don't know. As far as I am concerned I am a 12 year old girl playing dress up, but no one is noticing my age, because as my older brother once said, "Fake it till you make it"

I'm sure as time passes i'll find I fill these shoes better than I ever thought I could... Until then, I long for the time where I lazed in my pyjamas with my sister watching movies with bag loads of junkfood bought from Coles...

This sister, by the way, I admire in more ways than I could possibly convey. To me, this 16 year old fills those shoes in a way with such ease as I could never achieve.

Till next time

xx

Look at my page, now your page, now back at mine...

Hit him in the crotch and run. THE CROTCH DAMMIT THE CROTCH!

Well, that has absolutely nothing to do with what im gonna write, but i've had that from scrubs goin through my mind like crazy. Although it did have something to do with how i felt towards my Boss last night but aaaaaaaaaanywas..

You know whats stupid? I have broken both my feet (separare occasions thank goodness), my wrist, both hips, a couple of ribs and my finger. Pretty spectacular hey. Well apparently my body doesn't seem to think so. Right now I'm debating against my body as to whether I should take myself up to the hospital for an Xray, because I think my foot has decided that i went 9 months without a broken bone, and that that record is not allowed to stand. Although driving to the hospital may be problematic seein as its my right foot and I drive with that foot... and hospital takes sooooooooo long... And I'm gonna be gettin a wisdom tooth out on Monday, yet another hospital related thing. Eiwwwwwww. You know what I think? Maybe if I wish really really hard and give my foot a stern talking to, Maybe, just maybe it will stop holding a grudge to me.

Hmm... maybe some ice cream will do the trick :P Food for thought indeed. Mint Choc Chip Icecream!!

Anyways l8er sk8er.. Oh that was so lame

And What, Pray Tell, Do You Say To That?

Do you think that people can be manipulative without actually knowing? To try and influence you so you can't possibly say no? Even your family, friends and loved ones? I used to not think so... but now... Hmm

When someone asks you to do something, say, let their girlfriend move into your house, even though you were so excited to have your OWN place and stop the sharehousing, and then ends the question with "its up to you but it would mean so much to me."

WHAT THE FRICK. How can I possibly refuse without sounding like a huge ogre who doesnt give a flying fart in space about your feelings?

So yet again, sacrificing personal preference for siblings. I was rather looking forward to living on my own. If I cleaned up before I left, it would be clean when I got home. If I buy food, its there when I get home. If I want to do something I dont have to run it by anyone.

About three quarters of the food in the house is mine. I brought it from my old house. All the furnature, bedding, sheets, towels, plates, cups and appliances are mine. I'm paying two thirds of the rent. The electricity is coming out of MY account. ARGHHHHH!

And then I get the little voice in my head, after my ranting and raving, that shames me for thinking such things and so selfishly... And I must admit there are some positives. Like I get to see my big brother more. But then again, he is A L W A Y S there. Gets there about 830 in the morning.. leaves about 2 the next morning. And theyre ALWAYS touching. I dont think itd bother me so much if Richard was here, but still...

But that brings me back to my origional thought... How do you refuse something like that. Easy. You dont. They have thought about it and worded it in a way that will make it so that you cannot refuse them. They have already made their decision and will say and do anything to convince you it is what you want to happen also.

Doesnt mean I like it. Doesnt mean I dont want to bash my head against the wall until i knock myself out.

But what can I do. I'm stuck with it. *Sigh*

Anyways,
Thanks for listening to my rants.

BionicWoman

When The Mocking Bird Wont Sing And The Diamond Ring Wont Shine...

Ahuh, And How Do i Make It Better?

Well hi there!!

I thought i'd put some of my thoughts down before they come up like word vomit and destroy everyone around me. If thats okay.

I've lately been sitting around pondering at night, due to lack of sleep which i'm thinking runs in the family at the moment...

How do I, who have never ever been bullied in my life (probably due to the awesomeness of having my dad as a teacher and an awesome big bro.. and being everyones friend) Help someone who has been bullied all their life?

I've been reading Jodi Picoult at the moment, and I guess reading it, and me being someone who when i read a book it litterially takes me right there, has set off so many warning bells in my head. In Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult, when did Clay stop being a little boy and start being a teenager / man with suicidal thoughts. Taking matters into his own hands to stop the hurt?
Most importantly, how do i stop this person from doing it? I dont want them to hurt anyone, but i also dont want them to hurt themselves.

I'm not really asking for you to solve my problems, and i doubt anyone is actually reading this anyway, but more just to get these thoughts out of my head before they make me so dizzy I fall off the edge of this cliff that is my life.

So, until next time my thoughts are spinning too fast for my mind,

Up Up and Away